Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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