apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
