This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
