my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
