my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
