K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
