dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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