Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
