does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
