Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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