I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
