He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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