My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
