he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
