im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
