how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
