Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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