My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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