His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
