I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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