life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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