I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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