There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
