my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
