White coat. Heels.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just had sex on a roof
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
