He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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