sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
