I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
