Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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