Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
