Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
