Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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