I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
