i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
