tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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