Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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