the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
