dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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