My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
