Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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