In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
