I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
