Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
