At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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