Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No subtext here. People are naked.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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