I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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