I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
