i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
