Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
