He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
