our cab driver is having phone sex.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
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He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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