A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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