so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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