Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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