When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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