I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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