so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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