so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
