Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
