Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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