it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
