Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
