Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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